Sleep deprivation doesn’t help.
So, last night, the team was concerned about the possibility of placental abruption – in case you are wondering – which would have meant an immediate c-section. Thankfully, the test results came back fine and Baby has more time to grow.
By the time I was returned to the floor, it was midnight and by the time the nurses hooked the monitors and other contraptions up and took my vitals (again), it was nearly 1:30. Of course, morning comes early around here and I woke to the singsongy voice of my nurse crooning “good morning” at just after 5:00.
Is it a good morning? Well, I’m still pregnant so YES, it certainly is…it certainly is.
I wish I could be joyful, positive, thankful, and optimistic all of the time.
But, I’m not.
And I guess that’s okay (?) Part of being human, the wise ones would say. Empathy is really an art.
I’ve decided that others prefer the Joey who bubbles, who giggles and is steady and strong. The messy emotions… fear, doubt, guilt, loneliness, and helplessness (to name a few) well…they would rather not hear about THAT.
Sleep deprivation doesn’t help, I’m sure, but in case you are wondering, this is really hard.
Tedd came by for lunch with JP. He really is the yummiest boy in the world. (JP, that is, although Tedd is pretty great too!) I love seeing them so much and it breaks my heart (really – that’s what it feels like) to be away.
Occasionally, well meaning friends will say stuff like, “Oh, JP hasn’t missed you one bit. He hasn’t even noticed you are gone.” These are words meant to comfort me, I know. (Guess what? They don’t.) Meant as reassurance that he is being well cared for. I don’t doubt that he’s in excellent hands for a moment. (I so am thankful to be able to say that sincerely!) But being away from my family is hard. Can I just be allowed to say (to feel) that? Yes, yes, yes….this is where I need to be and I love my unborn child desperately too….but I miss being JP’s mom. And Teddy…I miss him too.
I can’t stand this.
Today…I just can’t.
The team has decided to continue the medication that is so wonderfully keeping contractions at bay for another 24 hours. Then, I’ll go back to one of the earlier drugs and see how things go from there.
I remain thankful for every extra day. I remain grateful for your prayers.