24 weeks, 6 days

Sleep deprivation doesn’t help.

So, last night, the team was concerned about the possibility of placental abruption – in case you are wondering – which would have meant an immediate c-section. Thankfully, the test results came back fine and Baby has more time to grow.

By the time I was returned to the floor, it was midnight and by the time the nurses hooked the monitors and other contraptions up and took my vitals (again), it was nearly 1:30. Of course, morning comes early around here and I woke to the singsongy voice of my nurse crooning “good morning” at just after 5:00.

Is it a good morning? Well, I’m still pregnant so YES, it certainly is…it certainly is.

I wish I could be joyful, positive, thankful, and optimistic all of the time.

But, I’m not.

And I guess that’s okay (?) Part of being human, the wise ones would say. Empathy is really an art.

I’ve decided that others prefer the Joey who bubbles, who giggles and is steady and strong. The messy emotions… fear, doubt, guilt, loneliness, and helplessness (to name a few) well…they would rather not hear about THAT.

Sleep deprivation doesn’t help, I’m sure, but in case you are wondering, this is really hard.

Tedd came by for lunch with JP. He really is the yummiest boy in the world. (JP, that is, although Tedd is pretty great too!) I love seeing them so much and it breaks my heart (really – that’s what it feels like) to be away.

Occasionally, well meaning friends will say stuff like, “Oh, JP hasn’t missed you one bit. He hasn’t even noticed you are gone.” These are words meant to comfort me, I know. (Guess what? They don’t.) Meant as reassurance that he is being well cared for. I don’t doubt that he’s in excellent hands for a moment. (I so am thankful to be able to say that sincerely!) But being away from my family is hard. Can I just be allowed to say (to feel) that? Yes, yes, yes….this is where I need to be and I love my unborn child desperately too….but I miss being JP’s mom. And Teddy…I miss him too.

I can’t stand this.

Today…I just can’t.

The team has decided to continue the medication that is so wonderfully keeping contractions at bay for another 24 hours. Then, I’ll go back to one of the earlier drugs and see how things go from there.

I remain thankful for every extra day. I remain grateful for your prayers.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hang in there, Friend.
I'm not a parent, but I'd be willing to bet that sweet little boy feels your absence acutely.
Being upbeat and positive 24/7 is too exhausting, even when you're not pregnant.
I always think of a line from Madeleine L'Engle's young adult novel, 'A Ring of Endless Light,' where the grandfather tells his granddaughter, "God can handle your anger."
Love you, praying for you,
UP

Anonymous said...

My heart and prayers continue to be with you guys.

Tonya (FH)

Winnie said...

Hang in there dear. I know that it isn't easy, and I can't even begin to understand what you are going through, but know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. God always has a plan and will be watching over you and your adorable family. Jaden says hello and tells me that JP may seem like he's fine, but he really can't wait for mommy to come home. :o) We love you!

Vanessa said...

:-(
Joanna, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you right now. Knowing that you have no choice but to be in the hospital, being away from your husband and your son, hating every minute of it, but unable to do anything about it.
You have every right to get upset, angry, annoyed, whatever - you do not have to be happy & cheery all the time. You are human :-)
Of course JP misses you. He may not be able to put that into words, and he may seem like he's fine to those taking care of him.
As for that silly patient educator - education, smeducation! I think if I were you, I'd talk to someone in charge of the education center nad remind them that having her visit someone whose delivery at this point in pregnancy might jeopardzie her baby's health, is unnecessary, unless she is able to answer all the questions parents of micro-preemies have. Sheesh, makes you wonder, doesn't it?!
(((HUGS))) Still praying for you an bambino.

Fernanda said...

Hey!

I'm not sure if you are even reading these, but hang in there. I know this can't be easy. I have a friend that just went through a similar experience.We are expecting our second baby too and I can't imagine having to go through what you are going through. You are being very strong and JP loves you very much. The little one loves you too and is very grateful for your love,strength and courage. You are the best Mommy in the world!!!!
Don't worry about being bubbly. It truly is ok to be sad. I cried the entire time I read your post so I seriously cant expect you to be happy.
But try to stay relaxed and remember that our God is a big God who loves us and wants the best for us ( and our babies :) )He is a great miraculous God that will take good care of you and your family.

If you need anyone to talk to about what you are going through ( the good and the bad).. I am here.

Please let us know where you are staying . Also if you guys need anything AT ALL please let us know. We would be happy to help.
love-
Fern

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and your family!

Cindy (FH)

Amber said...

the debennings (and our extended families as well) are covering you and your precious family in prayer. i wish i could say something that magically was comforting, but my words fail me. just know that mommy to mommy, my heart hurts with you on the bad days and my heart celebrates with you on happy days. peace be with you, my friend.

Traci said...

Joanna, I think of you every day. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I just wanted you to know that you are loved and in my prayers no matter whether you are happy, sad, bubbly or mad. I still think you are one of the strongest and sweetest people I know. Keep up the fight! May that little baby stay snuggled inside you a whole lot longer and may your smiling JP and Tedd stay snuggled next to you to keep your spirits up!
Susie